"locked in" {part 2}. . . and I didn't have a choice . . .

Sometimes when we find ourselves {locked in} we know that we are somewhat, if not completely, to blame.  

Other times, we find ourselves {locked in} to situations that have us spiraling out of control and we can do nothing but hang on and pray.

Death is one of those times.

When I sat in a hospital room and heard a Dr. say, "I'm sorry, Rickey didn't make it", I was immediately {locked in}.

I was {locked in} to the suddenly new, unknown title of "widow".

I was {locked in} to the completely unwanted title of "single mom".

I was {locked in} to losing my best friend of almost 20 years.

I was {locked in} to a fear of the unknown.

I was {locked in} to a new life that I didn't want and certainly didn't ask for.

I was {locked in}.

Up until that moment I thought that I was a pretty good Christian.  I thought I had a pretty good walk with the Lord.  I never really had to lean completely on Him.  I didn't know what it felt like to completely trust Him, even for my next breath.  

In that moment, I was {locked in} to a "different" than I had ever believed I'd experience, at least not at the age of 45.  Even in that moment of being {locked in} to this "different", I had a peace that did pass understanding, a peace that to this day, I can't explain.

In that moment, after the doctor spoke, 

I knew, 

that I knew, 

that I knew, 

the truth of the first words that I spoke to the girls, 

"Daddy is in HEAVEN"!

I was {locked in} to a strange new world, but I did have an assurance that whatever that meant, God was still in control.  It is a peace that I cannot explain. Had you told me the day before Rickey's accident that this was the way I would respond, I'm sure I would have laughed in your face.  I remember having thought that losing my spouse would be the greatest tragedy that I could endure here on earth, and I did not know how I'd move forward if it were to happen to me.  Now I was about to find out!

Amazingly, in that moment, when I stared death in the face, though I was definitely {locked in} to something new and unknown, I was not {locked in} to questioning God.  I know that many others do when faced with this situation, I {thankfully} did not.

In all the days that have followed, I have not questioned God.  Yes, there have been days when I wished Rickey back {and realized that is selfishness on my part because no matter how much he loved us, he would never want to leave Heaven to come back to earth!}!  There have been days when I have wondered why?  There have been days when I have wondered why life seemed so unfair.  But, I never questioned that God was in control and that He had a bigger plan for my life than I could {or can} see at any given moment.

I believe that my faith as a mustard seed that was planted in my life as a young child carried me when I was {locked in} to this new season in my life.

I did not have time to think how I was supposed to react.  I did not have time to decide if I was going to follow God or not.  I am so thankful to my parents and all of the other Godly influences in my life who made my response to trust God as logical as taking my next breath {and maybe even more-so because there were moments when I had to ask Him to help me take that next breath}!

I was {locked in} to a situation that was certainly spiraling out of control, and over which I had no control.  

I'm very thankful that despite the changes that I was {locked in} to in that moment, I was able to look to Jesus as "the author and finisher of my faith" {Hebrews 12:2} and trust that "in your book were written, every one of them, the days that were formed for me {Rickey} when as yet there were none of them" {Psalm 139:16}.  My faith in the fact that our days are numbered by the Lord never faltered.  

I was {locked in} but by the Grace of God, I was able to keep my eyes focused on Him in the worst of circumstances.  

This was a case of being {locked in} where I can say that I ran to my Master, just as that 160 pound mass of sweaty fur ran to his master after being let out of the trunk.  I ran with arms open wide, and was so thankful to see my Savior there for me!

I wish this story of how I was {locked in} after losing Rickey could end right here, seemingly kind of "warm and fuzzy", but unfortunately it cannot.  For, even though I allowed God to control my initial reaction to Rickey's death and even though I completely trusted God's sovereignty in His timing in taking Rickey "Home", I could not give others that same grace . . . .