{locked in} part 3 . . . and I DID have a choice . . .

{disclaimer . . . the following statements are all things that I did think, say, believe after Rickey died.  Please do not take them personally!  I am only sharing them because God has shown me how I allowed them to {lock me in} to Satan's lies!}

When Rickey died, I was instantly {locked in} to some new, scary realities.  I was {locked in} to the title of widow and single mom.  I was {locked in} to the fact that my best friend was not ever coming home again. I had no choice in being {locked in} to these realities, they just "were".  Thankfully, I was also {locked in} to the peace that passed understanding that he was in Heaven and those things were in God's hands.  

Unfortunately, there were other areas in my life that I became {locked in} to that I did have a choice about.  Sadly, I chose to let myself be {locked in} to lies from Satan and they held me hostage until I emptied me of me, and let God fill me with His sweetness {...and this is an "every day" emptying that has to happen, I certainly have not "arrived" and will not, until I reach Heaven!}.

"I can't believe she didn't call me today."  {locked in}

"I can't believe nobody came to help us shovel."  {locked in}

"I can't believe he asked me to read a scripture that talks about grief."  {locked in}

"They said they'd come and help, I saved things for them to do.  I can't believe they didn't show up."  {locked in}

"I'm just fine, I don't need them, I.can.do.it.all.by.myself."  {locked in}

"Fine, if this is the 'church', I don't need it anymore."  {locked in}

"I'm not good enough."  {locked in}

The list could go on and on.  And yes, I did think all of these things.  Yes, I was ready to quit church - not just "my" church but church in general {I'm thankful that I met Rick when I did!}  In every one of these statements, I now realize that I allowed Satan to {lock me in} to his lies.  I allowed him to {lock me in} and be trapped in selfishness.  In allowing him this "power" over me, I was not able to grieve well or move forward productively.

Thankfully, God used some very special people {Rick, my girls and a few really good friends} to speak to me and open my eyes to these lies.  I share them here because I think we can all find ways in our lives that we allow wrong thoughts to {lock us in}.  If our thinking is not corrected, we just continue to be {locked in} and isolated.  Even when there is a ray of sunlight, we don't bound out into our Master's arms like that sweaty 160# dog did.  Rather, we stomp our foot and maintain that we are right and we have a perfectly legit reason to stay {locked in}.  But do we?  Though any of the above statements could be justified, it is still MY choice how to respond!  We cannot correct our thoughts by ourselves.  We have to let Him have control of them!

"I can't believe she didn't call me today."

{Reality} . . .  Who needs encouragement from me today?  Who can I call, text, e-mail or message today to tell them I love them and am praying for them?  How about sending a note or picking up a little gift - just because?!

"I can't believe nobody came to help us shovel."  

{Reality} . . . Everyone is busy.  I always turned away help when it was offered {I.can.do.it.all.by.myself!}.  How many people said call anytime?  They did mean it, it's hard to "intrude" on someone's life.  I needed to give them a break.  When help was needed, I needed to put my pride aside and pick up the phone!

"I can't believe he asked me to read a scripture that talks about grief." 

{Reality} . . . Maybe this situation was allowed into my life life {well, of course it was, God doesn't make mistakes!} so I could be a blessing to someone else.  Maybe my pain will allow me to minister to someone else's hurting heart.  Anyone can have "sympathy" {feelings of pity and sorrow for someone else's misfortune} with someone, "empathy" {the ability to understand and share the feelings of another} is really only possible when you've "been there, done that".

"They said they'd come and help, I saved things for them to do.  I can't believe they didn't show up."  

{Reality} . . . Everyone is human.  Maybe they forgot.  Maybe I was not clear in the fact that I really could use their help.  Maybe I should have clarified the situation before just assuming that they didn't care.  {Very true story - I was very mad at someone for quite awhile for not coming and helping before Tessa's grad party until I asked them about it.  Come to find out, they didn't even know that their services had been "offered"!  I harbored much bitterness for quite a long time towards someone who had NO IDEA they had "wronged" me.}

"I'm just fine, I don't need them, I.can.do.it.all.by.myself." 

{Reality} . . . I am human.  God created us for companionship.  I can't "do it myself".  It's not a weakness for me to admit that.  It's o.k. to say "I need you", to my husband, my children, my parents, my friends or my church family.  Which is the perfect segue to the following statement!

"Fine, if this is the 'church', I don't need it anymore." 

{Reality} . . . God gave us the "church" for companionship.  The church is my extended family.  Will they fail me?  Yes.  Will I fail them?  Yes.  Will we learn and grow through these failures.  I pray we will!  I do need the "church", I do need the body of Christ.  

"I'm not good enough."

{Reality} . . . Not good enough for what?  If I were the only person on earth, Jesus would have died on the cross for me.  God would have sent His only Son to this world to suffer and bleed and die for ME.  I'm good enough for that.  I'll never be "good enough" on my own, but in Him, I am exactly what He created me to be.  All He asks is that I walk with Him, and turn it ALL over to His tender loving hands!

Oh, so many lies that {lock me in}.  So many things that I allow to control my thought pattern that pull me away from the truth and peace in Him.

I desire to turn my focus from me to Him.  I desire to empty myself of me and not be {locked in} to these lies.  I desire to let Him fill me with His truth and to let Him {un}lock me!!

Reality Check:

How have you spilled {or how will you spill} out God's sweetness today?

What do you need to let Him {un}lock for you? 

"locked in" {part 2}. . . and I didn't have a choice . . .

Sometimes when we find ourselves {locked in} we know that we are somewhat, if not completely, to blame.  

Other times, we find ourselves {locked in} to situations that have us spiraling out of control and we can do nothing but hang on and pray.

Death is one of those times.

When I sat in a hospital room and heard a Dr. say, "I'm sorry, Rickey didn't make it", I was immediately {locked in}.

I was {locked in} to the suddenly new, unknown title of "widow".

I was {locked in} to the completely unwanted title of "single mom".

I was {locked in} to losing my best friend of almost 20 years.

I was {locked in} to a fear of the unknown.

I was {locked in} to a new life that I didn't want and certainly didn't ask for.

I was {locked in}.

Up until that moment I thought that I was a pretty good Christian.  I thought I had a pretty good walk with the Lord.  I never really had to lean completely on Him.  I didn't know what it felt like to completely trust Him, even for my next breath.  

In that moment, I was {locked in} to a "different" than I had ever believed I'd experience, at least not at the age of 45.  Even in that moment of being {locked in} to this "different", I had a peace that did pass understanding, a peace that to this day, I can't explain.

In that moment, after the doctor spoke, 

I knew, 

that I knew, 

that I knew, 

the truth of the first words that I spoke to the girls, 

"Daddy is in HEAVEN"!

I was {locked in} to a strange new world, but I did have an assurance that whatever that meant, God was still in control.  It is a peace that I cannot explain. Had you told me the day before Rickey's accident that this was the way I would respond, I'm sure I would have laughed in your face.  I remember having thought that losing my spouse would be the greatest tragedy that I could endure here on earth, and I did not know how I'd move forward if it were to happen to me.  Now I was about to find out!

Amazingly, in that moment, when I stared death in the face, though I was definitely {locked in} to something new and unknown, I was not {locked in} to questioning God.  I know that many others do when faced with this situation, I {thankfully} did not.

In all the days that have followed, I have not questioned God.  Yes, there have been days when I wished Rickey back {and realized that is selfishness on my part because no matter how much he loved us, he would never want to leave Heaven to come back to earth!}!  There have been days when I have wondered why?  There have been days when I have wondered why life seemed so unfair.  But, I never questioned that God was in control and that He had a bigger plan for my life than I could {or can} see at any given moment.

I believe that my faith as a mustard seed that was planted in my life as a young child carried me when I was {locked in} to this new season in my life.

I did not have time to think how I was supposed to react.  I did not have time to decide if I was going to follow God or not.  I am so thankful to my parents and all of the other Godly influences in my life who made my response to trust God as logical as taking my next breath {and maybe even more-so because there were moments when I had to ask Him to help me take that next breath}!

I was {locked in} to a situation that was certainly spiraling out of control, and over which I had no control.  

I'm very thankful that despite the changes that I was {locked in} to in that moment, I was able to look to Jesus as "the author and finisher of my faith" {Hebrews 12:2} and trust that "in your book were written, every one of them, the days that were formed for me {Rickey} when as yet there were none of them" {Psalm 139:16}.  My faith in the fact that our days are numbered by the Lord never faltered.  

I was {locked in} but by the Grace of God, I was able to keep my eyes focused on Him in the worst of circumstances.  

This was a case of being {locked in} where I can say that I ran to my Master, just as that 160 pound mass of sweaty fur ran to his master after being let out of the trunk.  I ran with arms open wide, and was so thankful to see my Savior there for me!

I wish this story of how I was {locked in} after losing Rickey could end right here, seemingly kind of "warm and fuzzy", but unfortunately it cannot.  For, even though I allowed God to control my initial reaction to Rickey's death and even though I completely trusted God's sovereignty in His timing in taking Rickey "Home", I could not give others that same grace . . . .

"locked in"

{Read the preface to this story on my Facebook page HERE! . . . look for the post titled "Locked In" Part 1.  And while you are there "like" it so you get updates!}

. . . I'd never been so happy to see sunlight!  My 160# furry friend was just as happy as I was as he bounded out of that trunk like an old-fashioned jack-in-the box springing out when the lid popped open. 

That big, sweaty mass of fur sprang out of that trunk and nearly knocked our rescuer over.  He was jumping all over him.  Wagging his tail, smiling that dog smile, jumping, licking, almost turning himself inside out.  He was happy to see our rescuer.  Happy to be out of the trunk.  He acted like nothing had ever happened!  What?  How?  Why?

As I slowly climbed out of the trunk, my eyes adjusting to the bright sunlight, I looked around for some water.  As my eyes adjusted to the bright sunlight, my attention was riveted on the reunion of dog and master.  We had just spent an hour locked in the trunk.  It had been HOT.  We were thirsty.  We were abandoned.  And all that dog could do was love on his rescuer.  I can imagine if he could speak, he would have been saying, "I'm so glad to see you!  I'm so happy!  Thank you for coming to get me!  I'm so happy!  Can I have some water, huh, huh?  I'm so happy!  Can I have a treat?  I'm so happy!  Can we go home?  I'm so happy!"

"See who loves you more, your wife or your dog.  Lock them in the trunk for an hour and see which one is happy to see you when you let them out!" 

... Mark Gungor

{disclaimer} ... I've not ever been locked in a trunk by my husband {or anyone else} with our 160# Shiloh Shepherd!  This story is an illustration of the joke told by Mark Gungor at an event we attended last weekend.

I painted the picture of being locked in that trunk because for me it illustrated the many times in life I have been {locked in a trunk}.  Sometimes it has has been of my own making, and sometimes because of circumstances beyond my control.  For me, the joke, though funny on the surface, made me look inside and do some soul searching to determine how I respond to being {locked in the trunk}.  How do I respond when life {squeezes} me? 

I'll share some personal experiences this week and my {sometimes not so great} reactions to being {locked in}.  

Reality Check:

How have you spilled {or how will you spill} out God's sweetness today?

And . . . how do you respond when life {locks} you in?

... bRoKeN ... into ... b E a U T i F u l ! ! ! ♥

Did you listen to the song in the last post?  If you did, I hope it spoke to you as it has to me!  As we look at the second verse, it again addresses areas that I face every day and have to relinquish to Him in order to remember that only by His grace have I been changed from "Broken into Beautiful"!

 "We live with accusations"

"You're too fat {or skinny}."

"You're not smart enough."

"You aren't pretty enough."

"You're not a good cook."

"Why can't you ____________?"

"Sometimes heavy expectations"

I've read the romance novels, I {expect} him to bring me flowers.  I've listened to my friends, I {expect} my kids to always do well in school.  I've read the newspaper, if I excel I {expect} to be recognized.  I look at the magazines, I {expect} I'll be happy if I get my house in order, get in shape,  visit the right salon or wear the right make up.  These heavy {expectations} assault me at every turn, and the more of them I hear, the more I believe them.

"That tell us we can never measure up"

If he doesn't bring me flowers or my kids don't get straight A's in school, there must be something wrong with me.  If I do something well, and nobody notices it then it didn't count. If I get my house in order, get in shape, visit the right salon and wear the right make up, I should be happy.  None of these things are wrong in themselves.  It's nice to get flowers.  It's o.k. to cheer when my kids do well.  It's right to do my work with excellence.  Taking care of the home God has blessed us with is the right thing to do.  Eating well and exercising are admirable and will bring me good health.  Fixing my hair and wearing makeup aren't wrong.  But none of those things measure my worth.  When I stand before the Lord, none of them will matter!  Why then, do I let these things {or lack of these things} and so many more tell me that I don't measure up?

"And yet You repeat with mercy"

Dictionary.com defines mercy as "something that gives evidence of divine favor; blessing."  Divine favor, oh doesn't that sound even better than the hollow praise of man?  God Himself repeats with mercy ...

"That in Your eyes we are worthy"

We are worthy, worthy in HIS eyes.  So much more to be desired than measuring up to any other standard.  So much more to be desired than measuring up to the unattainable standards that I often set for myself!

"At last we see how much we're loved"

When I empty me of me, when I let HIM fill those empty spaces, when I stop trying to "achieve" and to earn love, from my spouse, my family, my friends, my co-workers, and seek only HIM to fill my empty places, then I can see how much I'm loved . . .

"'Cause . . . "

"Though we can't see how we can stand before you Lord and feel

VALUED,

PRICELESS

and ADORED . . .

You change worthless into precious.

Guilty to forgiven.

Hungry into satisfied.

Empty into full.

All the lies are shattered.

And we believe we matter.

When you change broken into beautiful!"

I have taken the liberty to translate this beautiful song into what it means to me.  If you are feeling broken in any way, I hope my ramblings can speak to you as well!  I pray that as you read my words and then link to the song HERE {2nd video on the page} you will be able to identify some of your broken areas.  I pray that you will be able to let them go and give them to your Heavenly Father.  No matter how worthless you may feel, how abused, trampled upon, and worn you think you are, in His eyes, you ARE

VALUED,

PRICELESS

and ADORED . . ."

Because . . . 

"He changes worthless into precious.

Guilty to forgiven.

Hungry into satisfied.

Empty into full.

All the lies are shattered.

And we believe we matter.

When He changes broken into beautiful!"

And once you have let Him fill you, and change your broken into beautiful, don't keep it to yourself!  Let that sweetness that He will fill you with fill you to overflowing so that you can spill it out on others!

Reality check:

How have you spilled {or will you spill} out God's sweetness today?

b r o k e n

The "inspiration" for this blog came from a song.  I can't sing, but I love music and sometimes a song comes along that "speaks" to me and "Broken Into Beautiful" (click on the name to listen) by Gwen Smith is one of those songs!  The beginning two lines gave me the idea for the "{in}side out theme because what's on the {in}side is what really matters!  We can wear a mask and pretend all we want, but when we are suddenly jarred, what is on the {in}side will spill out, no matter how pretty our {out}side looks.  This song speaks beautifully to what God thinks of us, and that should help as we empty ourselves of us and let ourselves be filled with Him.  No matter what we feel or are made to feel, He sees us as "valued, priceless and adored"!  I'm going to break it down into a couple of posts because just one won't do it justice, so let's get started . . . (actual song lyrics in italics)

"She's smiling on the outside"

Of course she {me} is!  That's what is expected.  Good Christian girls should be smiling.  They trust in God, so even when things go wrong, terribly wrong, they can still smile because they have the "joy of the Lord", right?

"But she's hurting on the inside"

She {me} is?  We all have them.  Those deeply buried hurts.  The ones we try so hard to "stuff".  The ones we don't want to show because someone might think we are weak, or a "bad" Christian {wayward children, unfaithful spouses, hidden addictions, fractured relationships, financial difficulties, health problems, anger issues, unfulfilled longings, divorce, death, grief . . . and the list goes on}.  Hurts that only God can heal, but we try to hide them, even from Him.

"It's getting hard just living anymore"

Depression, anxiety, fear . . . they are all real emotions to real Christians, and some days, just "living" is a battle.  Crawling back in bed and pulling the covers up over your head would be so much easier.  But then, you wake up and the problems are still there.  The brokenness has not magically disappeared.

"And the shadows she has clung to"

We sometimes cling to the brokenness not because we like it, but because of its familiarity.  Or, so we don't forget.  Or because we are stubborn.  Or because someone might think we are weak if we reveal our shadows. But then, we never move on.  We are stuck in that place of brokenness.  Satan has us parked there, and we just can't seem to believe the Truth.  We just can't break free and let the Son shine in and chase away the shadows, can't believe that we are beautiful to Him.

"Painful things that she has been through"

Burying a spouse (or a parent, or a grandparent or a child or a sibling . . . ) {painful}.    A wayward child {painful}.  

Divorce {painful}.  

Marital infidelity {painful}.  

Addiction {painful}.  

Health problems {painful}.  

Financial difficulties {painful}. 

Fractured relationships {painful}.

Painful. Painful. Painful.

God knew we would have {painful}, in John 16:33 it says, "...in the world you will have tribulation {pain}. But take heart, I have overcome the world."   It does not say "some people".  It says YOU.  It does not say you "might" have.  It says you WILL.   Dictionary.com defines tribulation as: grievous trouble; severe trial or suffering.  He knew, God knew the painful things we would go through.

"Have left her feeling worthless, Lord"

When we "stuff" those feelings, those hurts, that pain, that tribulation, we don't let God be the "overcomer".  We allow Satan to convince us that we are worthless.  And when he knows that is our weakness, he will do all that he can, in his power to keep us there.  He will keep us in the shadows, clinging to them, clinging to the painful things that haunt us.  He will do his best to convince us that we are worthless, guilty, hungry, empty.  He will fill us with the lie that we don't matter . . . 

"You change worthless into precious.

Guilty to forgiven.

Hungry into satisfied.

Empty into full.

All the lies are shattered.

And we believe we matter.

When you change broken into beautiful!"

That's the first verse and chorus!  Won't you let Him change you today? I need to pray to let Him do this each day.  I need to let His spirit flow through me, reminding me that I'm precious, forgiven, that only He will satisfy and fill me.  I have to let Him shatter Satan's lies, and I have to believe that to Him I matter so that I can let Him change my "broken into beautiful".

Then and only then, can I be filled with sweet water so that I can spill it out on others!

Reality check:

How have you spilled {or how will you spill} out God's sweetness today?

w.e.l.c.o.m.e.

Welcome to the first post here at "inside out"!

I'm glad you have decided to join me on this journey!

My desire is that we grow together in our relationships with each other and into a deeper relationship with God.  I know that too often I rely on other things {husband, children, food, exercise, purchases . . . } to make me happy and ultimately, none truly satisfy.  Only through an intimate relationship with Jesus can I find true happiness, peace and contentment.  This journey won't always be pretty, but I pray that it will always draw us closer to the only One who can truly satisfy.

God bless each and every one of you as we journey together.  

Reality check:

How have you spilled out God's sweetness today?

Answer in the comments if you are comfortable sharing!